Testing the Waters

More advice from Hannah McKnight on telling your significant other about your "hobby"...

I remember my wife’s shaky smile as she tried to be supportive and happy for me the first time I wore a wig and full makeup. I remember her laughing off how my shoe collection exceeded her own. I remember the nervous conversations when she confessed how she was afraid of where this was going. She married me, she didn’t want to lose me. This was not something she anticipated having to adapt to in a relationship.

It’s not uncommon for our partners to feel afraid that they are losing their husbands to another women when that other woman is us. For me, lingerie led to makeup, then dresses, then to a wig, then to a name, then to a website, then to going out…

Where was all this going?

It felt as if with every step I was testing the waters. Every step I took felt right and made me happy. I had never felt I was missing something in my life that I found through dressing and exploring my gender identity, but each new step just felt natural. I thought that with each new level, if you will, was where I would stop. I didn’t think I would have a name, until I did. I didn’t think I wanted to go out of the house, until the pull of experiencing the real world became too hard to resist. It became harder for either of us to believe that I was stopping anytime soon.

When we come out to someone we will get the typical questions. Do you want to transition? Are you gay? Are you unhappy as a man? Do you want hormones?

These questions are often paired with the unasked questions, especially with our partners. Are you in denial with who you are? Are we going to divorce in two years because you want to transition? Am I in a relationship with someone who doesn’t know who they are or what they want?

We need to know ourselves. Our partners need to know that as well.