Unringing a Bell

More interesting thoughts from Hannah McKnight:

You may finally admit to yourself that you are a crossdresser, or perhaps you identify as transgender, or maybe you aren’t ready, or don’t want to use a word quite yet about what this side of you is. Don’t be in any hurry to label yourself. It will probably change over time anyway.

Acceptance is one thing. You have acknowledged that this part of you isn’t going away, you can’t resist it, and despite years of purging, you always find your way back to the lingerie department or shoe store. This isn’t a phase, you are not going to outgrow it, you aren’t going to change.

And why should you? Why should I? I’m not going to change.

Beyond acceptance is embracing this side of you. Many of us take a long time to love and celebrate this part of themselves, if they ever get there at all. The difference between acceptance and embracing comes down to, in my opinion, joy.

I was at a point where I also wanted to share this side of me with the people in my life. I felt as I had broken through the societal illusions and restrictions and boundaries of what gender was and what we were taught it should be. I felt… enlightened. I no longer thought I should deny who I was and I realized how… silly gender norms were. I was told all my life boys don’t wear skirts but no one really knew why that was. I felt like a rebel in a way, pushing back against something arbitrary but also in a way, strictly enforced.

Yes, this is a little extreme but when we conquer something, especially when we overcome something in ourselves that held us back for some long, a victory can come of as a little…. grandiose.

If I didn’t think it was a big deal to wear a dress, why would anyone?

For those like myself who live in-between, it’s a little different than those who feel they want to live full-time, take hormones and/or transition. I do not think that anyone else needs to know about Hannah. If I come out to anyone else it’s because I want to.

So, do I want to? Sometimes. Not often. Sometimes I feel like being honest with a few close friends, not necessarily because I want them to know Hannah (but there is that) but because they are lifelong friends and this is an important part of who I am. I can’t really put my finger on it, but sometimes I feel that I should be honest with them.