Dealing With the Unknowns

Hannah McKnight discusses what she calls "The Lying, the What-Ifs, and the Wardrobe":

When I was fifteen and when I wore my panties I was as nervous as I could be that someone would see the lacy detail poking out of the top of my jeans. When I wasn’t wearing them I was scared to death my mom would find them. Basically I was a wreck all the time. But this is a good example of choosing to live with the fear of being caught as opposed to the stress that denying who I am brings.

I had spent so much money over the years buying lingerie, purging, and then buying new lingerie. I was tired of that. I was tired of tossing out beautiful bras and panties. I was tired of pretending that I could stop. Acceptance leads to more “what ifs”, however. Just as our thought process starts with “what if I see someone I know” to “what if they see me and tells everyone about me” to “what if everyone in my life thinks I’m a freak”, my thought process started to turn to “what will happen were I to die and my family found my lingerie and heels while they were attending to my belongings?”.

It’s not a comfortable topic and it sounds a little morbid but many of us think about what our family will think were they to find out about this side of us after we die.

But when we pass on, our family may find a beautiful wardrobe… and a lot of unanswered questions.

I wanted to, as best as I could, explain who I am… FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. Again, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but I am trying to keep this as light as I can. So, I did the only thing I could think of. I wrote a letter.

I tossed the letter, along with my lingerie, on my next, and what would be my final purge. I still think about the “what ifs”. But that’s just who I am, even outside of this side of me. As I get older I think more about the future and making plans. Plans for retirement, plans for my passing.

I can have all the contingency plans (if you will) that you can imagine, but if I die suddenly I know my wife is going to inherit a huge wardrobe. My wife and I have very few similar tastes when it comes to clothes and she’s going to need an evening gown or a PVC dress so it’s not like her wardrobe is going to expand in a way that she’ll necessarily benefit from. I do wonder what will happen to… everything. I suppose the easiest thing would be for her to simply donate what could be donated. I’m sure some nonprofit charity would be thrilled to receive a leather minidress.