My Purge Story

A week ago, I linked to and quoted from Hannah McKnight's thoughts on purging; I thought it would be suitable to talk about my own history.

I first started accumulating a feminine wardrobe when I moved out of my mother's home in my early 20s. Within a few years, I had a good collection of lingerie, four or five dresses, some skirts and blouses, and three or four pairs of shoes. That all went away when I moved from New York City to a small town in upstate New York shortly before I got married. That was my first purge.

In the first 25 years of my marriage, I occasionally bought some new things--mostly lingerie and shoes--but they never stayed for long. About 14 years ago, the urge to dress took hold again and I started acquiring femme attire (I think a bit of "empty-nest syndrome" explains this, as my children had both mostly moved out by that time). First came panties, then hosiery, then high heels...and within six months, I had a considerable collection. Over the next decade, I did several "mini-purges" which I called "cullings"--as I went through the wardrobe and disposed of the items I seldom wore or which I decided were no longet to my taste. Still, by 2019, I had some 25 dresses, and about the same number each of skirts and blouses. I had about 30 pairs of shoes and, of course, lots of panties and bras and hose.

And I began to get careless about keeping it all hidden. (My wife has never understood or accepted my cross-dressing.) Little items--usually jewelry or hair accessories--would be missed when straightening up after a dressing/photo session. M wife put her foot down--it all had to go. I resolved to get rid of it...and I did, for the most part. All the dresses, skirts, and blouses went to Goodwill, as did most of the shoes. The undies were simply trashed.

I still have a couple of pairs of panties, two bras, and three or four pairs of heels. I guess you could say I kept them for sentimental reasons. Once in a while, I surreptitiously wear them under male attire in what I call "secret sissy" days.

But my full-on dressing days are gone forever.

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Why We Purge

Hannah McKnight discusses a painful subject: purging

As I choose my outfits..., I can’t help thinking about certain dresses that I used to own but were tossed out on the (many) times I purged over the years. In remembering these instances it is always with a little pang of regret and annoyance. “Why did I throw anything out?” I think to myself. But the truth is I know why I threw it out. We all know why we’ve purged.

I was probably in my teens when I realized that crossdressing was going to be a part of who I was for the rest of my life. I knew I wasn’t going to outgrow it, it wasn’t a phase. This was my accepting who I was. It would be years before I would embrace it, but that’s another story. It would be a few more years, not until I was twenty years old and living in my first apartment that I first bought my own clothes, specifically lingerie. It was the first time that I had panties and bras that were one hundred percent my own. I could wear them whenever I wanted, I didn’t have to put them back when I was finished trying them on. They were mine mine mine. And I loved it.

But it also filled me with anxiety and fear. Living alone in a studio apartment meant that were someone else to find my lingerie it would be unquestionably mine. I couldn’t say that my clothes were my sister’s that somehow got mixed up with my own. I was, and still am, terrified of being found out. So, after a few days of my new bra and panty set hidden away in my closet, I would purge.

We purge for different reasons. Some of us purge because we are convinced that we have outgrown this side of us. We think (and try to tell ourselves) that it was a phase and have moved on with our lives. For me personally I don’t think I ever felt that way. So, why did I purge? I tossed my wardrobe and heels for two main reasons. At first I threw away my clothes because I was scared to death of being found out.

The second reason I purged was me thinking that I could, well, stop crossdressing. I knew I was who I was and that I wasn’t ever going to change, but I honestly thought I could stop. I naively thought if I didn’t own panties that it wouldn’;t be possible for me to wear them and therefore I wouldn’t stop thinking about it. Sure, I might WANT to wear lingerie but if I didn’t own any I couldn’t do so. I would also resist buying anything. Ever.

It would be years and it would take countless purging (some small, some rather large) until I realized that it was pointless. No matter how many times I threw away my panties it wouldn’t take long for me to wander over to the lingerie section of a store and start shopping again. Eventually I realized that this (expensive) pattern would repeat for the rest of my life. I did my final purge the day before I moved in with my girlfriend, the girl I would be fortunate enough to marry.

Next week in this space I will discuss my own history of purging.

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Who I Am Not

Hannah McKnight discusses what she identifies as and what she doesn't:

I think gender identity is as varied and as intimate and as personal as one’s religious beliefs. Some people struggle with their faith if what they believe doesn’t line up with what their religion teaches. When I was growing up I was told I was a boy (and I still am sometimes) but part of me wondered how I could be a boy if I wanted to wear dresses?

Part of me wondered what gender identity (and what I wanted to wear) had anything to do with sexuality. These days I still don’t think there’s a clear and straight (lol) line between gender identity and sexual preference but I know that every time I come out to someone THIS question will likely be asked.

If we are going to come out to someone, we are going to be asked WHO we are and WHAT we want. At the same time we also need to be prepared to discuss who we are NOT. What don’t we want? There’s a lot I want (flying pretty, a beautiful floor length back gown with a sweetheart neckline…) but this side of me is not about sex. Again, I know for some this side of us is a fetish or at the very least there’s an aspect of arousal.

I did my lingerie shoot because I felt confident and comfortable. I didn’t do it because I wanted to show off or anything like that. Posting a picture from that shoot is more about being comfortable with who I am and my body. I am not surprised that those types of pictures generate certain types of comments. Not because I think I’m sexy or anything, but that’s kind of how it goes.

I am not a sissy. I am not looking for sex. I am not confused. I am not a drag queen. I am not transitioning.

There’s a lot of things I am, but there are a lot more that I am not.

Let me say here that unlike Hannah, for me dressing is very much a sexual thing. I get an erotic charge out of panties and a bra, or the feel of high heels. Is that a fetish? I don't know...

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