Why We Purge

Hannah McKnight discusses a painful subject: purging

As I choose my outfits..., I can’t help thinking about certain dresses that I used to own but were tossed out on the (many) times I purged over the years. In remembering these instances it is always with a little pang of regret and annoyance. “Why did I throw anything out?” I think to myself. But the truth is I know why I threw it out. We all know why we’ve purged.

I was probably in my teens when I realized that crossdressing was going to be a part of who I was for the rest of my life. I knew I wasn’t going to outgrow it, it wasn’t a phase. This was my accepting who I was. It would be years before I would embrace it, but that’s another story. It would be a few more years, not until I was twenty years old and living in my first apartment that I first bought my own clothes, specifically lingerie. It was the first time that I had panties and bras that were one hundred percent my own. I could wear them whenever I wanted, I didn’t have to put them back when I was finished trying them on. They were mine mine mine. And I loved it.

But it also filled me with anxiety and fear. Living alone in a studio apartment meant that were someone else to find my lingerie it would be unquestionably mine. I couldn’t say that my clothes were my sister’s that somehow got mixed up with my own. I was, and still am, terrified of being found out. So, after a few days of my new bra and panty set hidden away in my closet, I would purge.

We purge for different reasons. Some of us purge because we are convinced that we have outgrown this side of us. We think (and try to tell ourselves) that it was a phase and have moved on with our lives. For me personally I don’t think I ever felt that way. So, why did I purge? I tossed my wardrobe and heels for two main reasons. At first I threw away my clothes because I was scared to death of being found out.

The second reason I purged was me thinking that I could, well, stop crossdressing. I knew I was who I was and that I wasn’t ever going to change, but I honestly thought I could stop. I naively thought if I didn’t own panties that it wouldn’;t be possible for me to wear them and therefore I wouldn’t stop thinking about it. Sure, I might WANT to wear lingerie but if I didn’t own any I couldn’t do so. I would also resist buying anything. Ever.

It would be years and it would take countless purging (some small, some rather large) until I realized that it was pointless. No matter how many times I threw away my panties it wouldn’t take long for me to wander over to the lingerie section of a store and start shopping again. Eventually I realized that this (expensive) pattern would repeat for the rest of my life. I did my final purge the day before I moved in with my girlfriend, the girl I would be fortunate enough to marry.

Next week in this space I will discuss my own history of purging.