Life as a Crossdresser

Hannah McKnight discusses what it's like to be a cross-dresser....

I think many of you who are reading my website (based on the comments and emails I get) are like me. We love panties and lipstick and pretty clothes but part, or even most of our lives, have a stiletto in the boy world. I know that’s how my life is. Being bi-gender means I have more than one gender identity and wardrobe. Having an identity, gender or otherwise, means that identity may come with obligations and responsibilities as well as friends and relationships.

[E}ven in my boy life I am always connected to my femme side. I am connected to Hannah’s world through clothes, whether I am awake and wearing leggings or sleeping in a nightie. When I am in boy mode (either because that’s the gender I choose to present as for the day or because I have to attend to obligations that my male life has) I am, by definition, crossdressing.

Of course, what one DOES leads to who one IS. I believe in nuances and since I separate my life and gender identity (and closet) into two halves, If you wanted to get into the weeks and get specific, I suppose the male me is a crossdresser whereas Hannah is transgender. Together “we” are bi-gender. Does that make sense? It does to me and I think many of you reading this understands and likely can relate.

Even when I am presenting as male, I am never 100% “boy”. Even now I am wearing a femme cardigan, panties, and leggings. I am also wearing a boy t-shirt and two days worth of facial stubble. I am a boy wearing women’s clothes (if we insist on genderizing clothes). As soon as I finish this cup of coffee I am off to the gym where I will wear a pair of black leggings that look like boy workout pants but I know the truth. Afterwards I will put on boy clothes (and panties, of course) for a doctor appointment. When the day is over, I will pick out a nightie and go to bed. And tomorrow the in-betweening begins all over again. Since so much of my life and day are punctuated by clothes, and since Hannah is always thinking about what outfit to wear on her next adventure, it’s easy to think that *this* is all about clothes and wearing what I want as opposed to gender identity. But I know it’s not. It’s more than that. When I am en femme I am in a different mindset and a part of me emerges that, although is there in male mode, it is more easily revealed.

Being a crossdresser isn’t easy. It’s exhausting hiding this side of us. I think on some level it’s harder to explain why a man likes to wear lingerie than it is to explain why someone’s gender identity is different than the one they were assigned to at birth. But as hard as it can be, it IS wonderful. I love having my femme life, AND I am also really happy crossdressing. I love wearing panties every day, I love wearing a nightgown every night. Clothes make me so happy. And yes, I know that this is shallow and superficial but I wouldn’t change a thing about me.