Days Like This

Some more thoughts about appearing in public from Hannah:

If there is one thing I want someone to take away from reading my blog is that yes, I know it’s scary to go out for the first (and fiftieth) time. I know we all wonder what people are thinking, but the point I try to make is that you will never know what people think.

I’ve said before that what someone thinks of you is none of your business. And it’s true, I don’t want to know what you think of me, unless of course you think my lipstick is cute, you like my dress or you’re complimenting me on my ability to walk in stilettos. I don’t think anyone minds when someone says something nice about us, and I think for the most part people are generally kind and likely won’t say anything negative to you. But the world is filled with jerks who feel it’s their right, maybe their obligation, to tell you what’s on their mind and to harass you. I know that people at the mall don’t care what I think, so why do they suppose I care about what they think? Guess what? I don’t.

I have no illusions about myself or how others see me. I fully accept that others “know” I am trans. And with that, I also fully accept that others will think of me as a man in a dress, a guy playing dress up or something derogatory. Some members of the transcommunity embrace the term “tranny”, but I think it’s offensive. Regardless, most people don’t care about me and what I’m wearing and they are distracted and engaged in their own life, or, more likely, staring at their phone. Some people do want to share their opinion and for the most part, it’s overwhelmingly positive. Some will compliment my outfit whether it’s because they sincerely like it, or because it’s another way of saying “I support the transcommunity” and will go out of my way to make me feel welcome.

You’ll have good days, bad days and days that are unremarkable. You’ll have days where you’ll find the perfect matching heels for the dress you bought two years ago but have never worn. You’ll have days where you’ll have lipstick on your teeth and run your stockings. You’ll have days where you stumble a little in your stilettos and lose an earring. You’ll have days where someone will call you ‘sir’ and smirk. You’ll have days where a grandmother from St. Louis will call you the sweetest thing and waiters will call you ‘ma’am’. Mama said there would be days like this, and she was right.

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