Hannah McKnight, with some excellent thoughts on the differences between going out as a male and a female...
When I go anywhere presenting as male, I never look over my shoulder. I never worry about my safety. I walk downtown, in a parking ramp, across an entire mall, and never think about whether or not I am in any danger. I never worry if someone will harass me.
But Hannah is always aware of her surroundings. I can tell you who is around, who I am wary of, where the nearest exit is, if it came to that. My comfort level drops significantly when I am not presenting as male. This is something that many transgender people can relate to.
It’s not that I am not confident en femme. Anyone who visits this blog will likely be able to tell within a few minutes I am very confident and comfortable with who I am. Perhaps even obnoxiously so. After my makeup appointment the other day I strutted through the mall in my four inch stilettos and my tight dress and my $65 makeover. I felt bulletproof, I felt like a goddess.
But it was such contrast to how I felt two hours before. I arrived at the mall before most stores opened, so I killed time by sitting on a bench, trying not to be noticed and looking at my phone. As brave as it is to leave the house en femme, it’s ever harder to leave without my makeup being finished. Normally when I get a makeover I will do my foundation and leave the rest to the artist, so sitting and waiting for Ulta to open, and looking for very male, was really uncomfortable. I felt insecure with how I looked. I felt ugly. I know I don’t pass, but in moments like these I feel more clocked than normal.
...even when I feel and look amazing, I am also on guard. My confidence is genuine, but it’s also prone to collapsing at the same time. This is such a big difference compared to when I am presenting as male. Whenever I am en femme and feeling… unsafe, paranoid, watched, I am reminded about how I never feel these things in male mode. Walking in Hannah’s shoes reminds me that this is how many women feel all the time.
1 comment:
Thank you for sharing this. I don't go out in femme often, but do now and then. The other times, I'm more comfortable doing it when I'm out of town or with a boyfriend. Still, during those times, I sometimes get anxious or nervous.
I do pretty well with my makeup, ect but I know I've been clocked a time or two. Its not so much being in public, but it's when I have to get close and interact with others. When I'm just a few feet from someone in those situations, I know I don't always pass!
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